Dissociative. Traumatic. Escape.
I'm searching for an answer. An answer that is hard to get since it's buried deep within myself. During my difficult childhood and teenage years, I buried a lot of traumatic memories and secrets that I thought could be kept within me, forever.
Things evolve. Life changes frequently.
I keep having flashbacks. They are stronger now than ever before. All the anger, hurt and sorrow. When did everything go so wrong? What were the sequence that lead to this?
After my sisters suicide in 2010, it changed my perception of life. I was lost.
My life felt very gray and hopeless. Why even continue with this damaged soul?
Six months after her death, I thought intensely about ending it all. It lead to a massive breakdown, where I ended
up in a mental hospital.
It felt like I was unable to become the person I was meant to be. I was soo afraid of letting go of everything, friends, family and my home. But I managed to brake free, moved to Sweden and studied photography. I discovered a new way of dealing with my traumatic memories, I started doing psychoanalysis on myself and from those feelings and memories, I created images portraying that.
One night, I began having these intense feelings about wanting to die again. In pure frustration, I walked into the deep forest, with my camera, and undressed myself. I took a self-portrait where I lay dead on the ground, it was an instant release of all the anxiety. The result was "My first death" which you can find in the series "Searching for true death". Today it has become a way of living, coping with my inner demons and battles.
In my search for answers about who I am, I stumble upon a lot of interesting people.
It can be someone I've met in the street, a new friend or just a random coincidence. Some of these people give me a tingling feeling in my body, same feeling as when you're in love. So I began documenting them, by taking their portrait, so that I can always remember them.